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how to fight less, how to solve arguments, effective communication habits couples

How To Maintain A Fight-Free Relationship

“Do you quarrel with your partner?”

I’ve been asked often, and have also asked others in reciprocation.

My answer has always been a resounding "no" for the past four years. But I cannot say that my relationship has been perfect. When it comes to solving problems, we had our fair share of disagreements, misaligned goals, and vastly different perspectives. As I am writing this, it struck me that we had never once raised our voices at each other nor disrespected each other with our tone and language.

(Related: 7 Effective Communication Habits Every Couple Should Practice)

On the other hand, fights are not always detrimental—it helps you understand each other better. When I probe this question, some friends have said that fights actually improved their relationship. Admittedly, there was a brief period of time where I doubted my ‘fight-less’ relationship. Were we just accumulating our differences internally? Was I too soft to pick a fight when need be? Eventually we found neither applied to us. And so, my answer remains as we enter our fifth year of courtship. 

Naturally, I was quizzed (“HOW?”) once I shared my response. For me, the checklist to solving problems as a couple is short. It boils down to two things that I have been, and am still, continuously working hard to achieve. 

 

1. Mind over heart

Ironically, matters of the heart require efforts of the mind. Negative emotions always cloud my decision-making process, turning me into an angry irrational woman who makes poor decisions. I’ve kept to these guidelines while trying hard at this mind over heart method:

  • Staying rational

  • Keeping calm

  • Choosing the right words

When I am unsure of my thoughts and emotions, I take a breather and force my mind off the matter even for just a few minutes. This applies most when I’m tired or when the problem requires more than superficial, first-level thinking. I do this to avoid using harmful language and jumping to conclusions. When alone, the heart directs the process less and allows the mind to take control in decision-making.

Go for a run, watch a show, have a good meal—do something that refreshes your mind and calms your heart. You’ll find that keeping your emotions in check encourages you to follow your mind more than your heart. This will help you in more situations even outside of love. 

 

2. The old clichéd compromise

This is nothing new, but often said than done. Compromising is not about sacrificing but prioritising. It is also not about giving up what you think is right, but going with the decision that is the best for the relationship. Once you take a step back and look at the picture clearly, you might realize that you were insisting on something for your own selfish reasons. Learn to put others—and the betterment of your relationship—before yourself.

Discuss your personal opinions, and understand each other’s positions. Finding common ground might be hard, but make sure to reach a desirable compromise, and it will ensure the longevity of your relationship.

 

Talking the talk is not enough. My partner and I actively discuss our perspectives and goals. Women are emotional creatures, but with some effort, I find that we’re solving problems more peacefully. Ultimately, the weight of our differences feels lighter and our relationship is more smooth sailing.

Of course, what I’ve penned down did not come without struggles nor am I an expert in relationships. The general consensus is that I am fairly stubborn and quick-tempered, with a poor grasp of my emotions. After a lot of effort in cultivating and disciplining my thoughts, actions, and words, I found myself to be improving at handling problems with my partner.   

 

This article first appeared on Bow and Tiara


 

By Mildred Ang

Mildred is a regular contributor at Bow & Tiara - A relationship media platform, where a community of millennials readers and writers share their thoughts, feelings and beliefs about love & relationship.

 



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